In many cultures around the world, pregnancy, birth and postpartum are viewed as highly sacred journeys with a wisdom that these events change our very being. Mothers would receive time to process the pregnancy and birth experience in postpartum. While receiving support to process those, they also have the support they need to actively process their postpartum. We don’t have this in western society. We’re told to bounce back, clean up the mess and act like it never happened so often our experiences, our stories, go untold and unprocessed. Many times, it feels as if our stories are even irrelevant with society telling us “People get pregnant, give birth and move through postpartum every day, what makes your experience so special?” Because you don’t do these things every day. Your experience is unique, special and extraordinary to you. You are important. Your story is important.
Your story is worthy of being told.
There are several known benefits to writing your story. Writing can help you remember, process, integrate the event into your life, heal, honour, make meaning, take on different perspectives and claim your story. Whether or not you share your story or just write for yourself, the benefits stay the same. You may not have had the control you deserved during pregnancy, birth and postpartum but you are in total control of how your story is told. Your story belongs to you and there is incredible power in that.
Writing is an Emotional Journey
Whether or not the experience was positive or negative, writing the pregnancy, birth or postpartum story can bring up a lot of emotions. Pregnancy, birth and postpartum are such physical events that our bodies often remember how we felt during. Because of this sometimes it’s easier to work in pieces rather than all at once. If you start to feel any anxiety, sadness or overwhelm take a moment to reflect if you’d like to continue. It’s okay to step away and come back later.
If your experience was difficult or traumatic, studies show that writing in 15-to-20 minute blocks over several days to be the most effective as to not overwhelm you. This also allows yourself to process between sessions. If at any time you start to feel lightheaded, like your vision is foggy, like you’re staring through a film or experience a sudden headache, I strongly recommend you stop. This is the way our brains say “Stop! I’ve had enough!”. If this happens, consider connecting with a perinatal mental health professional to aid in the healing and processing of your story.
One route you may decide to take before writing your story is to obtain your medical records. The process of doing so will vary depending on where you live but contacting your health authority is a good place to start.
You could also discuss the experience with someone who was there. This can help put some pieces together as well if you aren’t able or don’t want to access your medical records.
I encourage you to create a short list of feel good or grounding activities than can be done after each session. Some examples, going for a like walk, showering, drinking something warm and soothing, doing a meditation, listening to music. This can help “close” the session so that you’re not left feeling “open” and any emotions or thoughts that come with that. You will find 2 simple grounding exercises on page 14.
While the purpose of this is to guide you on writing your story, it’s not the only method for processing. If you feel the desire to do so, you can try painting, photography, voice recordings, drawings and music. As always, if you feel like you need additional support to process your experience, reach out to a perinatal mental health professional.
Getting Started
Your story is a journey and an incredible one at that! You went on this amazing, soul changing quest where you were tested, learned about yourself and the world around you. The story is already there, you just need to get it out. You don’t need to be a professional writer to create your masterpiece. As you write, don’t worry about grammar or spelling. Just let the words flow, whether it be by typing or writing by hand. Start the process with the intention of only writing for you. Do not focus on how others would perceive your story. Your story is for you and you alone. If you choose to share your story later, that’s okay too. Just for now, focus on you.
When you write uncensored and authentically, your story will be a work of art.
Your Writing Style
The most common writing style for a birth story is narrative but you don’t have too. You can experiment with different styles such as a poem, letters to yourself (past or future), letters to someone who was a part of the experience as well, maybe someone missed it or didn’t show up the way you had hoped.
Point of View
Once you’ve thought about the style, you will also need to decide on a point of view. Most birth stories are written in first person or third person. If you had a difficult or traumatic experience, writing your story in third person can help put space between you and your story. This can help gain new or different perspectives and more compassion for you in the story.
Your Story’s Layers
Your story will have 3 layers. The first will be the facts. This is generally the layer that you give to people when they ask about your experience, such as natural vs surgical delivery, how long was labour, before or after your due date, etc. The second layer is your thoughts, feelings, relationships to those involved. The final layer is where you draw meaning and any lessons you learned. Often when we write, these layers will naturally weave and blend together to create your whole story.
Writing Tense
When writing your story, writing in past tense can help remind you that it is in the past. If you start writing in present it can feel a lot like reliving the event. If you had a positive experience than this may not be a bad thing. However, if you had a difficult or traumatic experience, this is not the desired result. If you find that you are writing in present tense, take a moment and decide if you would like to continue. It may be best to stop and allow yourself some time to process before editing to past tense or continuing writing.
Setting Up Your Writing Environment
Setting up your environment is an important part of the process. You want to create a space that feels comfortable and safe, whatever that means to you, before you revisit and remember your journey.
Some ideas to consider:
- Dim lighting
- Sunlight
- Comfortable chair
- Candles, twinkly lights
- Soft music
- Affirmations
- Photos
- A special journal to write in
Your story is not written in stone. Your first draft does not need to be your final draft. You may want to re-visit your story weeks, months and years later (in fact I encourage it!) and you might find that you discover different meanings or perspectives than previously. In the case of difficult or traumatic experiences, studies show that the most effective way to use writing as a therapeutic tool is to combine what happened with how you felt then and how you feel about it now. This is where revisiting your story can be quite beneficial.
Get Ready to Write
Before you start pick 1-3 words that describe your experience and write or type them at the top of the page. Once you’re finished, reflect on these words. Do they still accurately describe your experience or would you choose new words? This can be a helpful exercise to do each time your return to your story to see how your perspective has changed with time.
Construct a timeline. This can help organize your thoughts and events before you start your writing.
At the end of this blog post you will find 3 categories for guiding questions and prompts to help you re-create your story.
Once your story is completed (for now)
While I do encourage you to revisit your story over time and do not consider our stories to ever truly be completed, you may be wondering what to do with your story. You can add pictures to your completed story if desired as well.
Some ideas for your completed works:
- Seal in an envelope for your child
- Place in a memory or baby box
- Made into a book
- Destroy it (burn, bury, shred)
You may choose to share your story. I recommend finding the right audience. I would recommend finding a non-judgemental, empathetic listener, who you do not feel the need to censor your story to fit their comfort level. Often this person is not someone who also went through the experience with you. The reason for this is that you’ll both have different versions of the same event. It can make it difficult to see the other point of view. Sometimes the ones we choose do not give us the reaction or support we are hoping for. This does not invalidate your story or experience. It is simply a reflection of them as a listener and support person.
Another exercise or story you could write is what should have been. This is similar to a birth reclaiming ceremony. Write out what should have been. Who should have been there, what you wanted to feel like, what you wanted the atmosphere to be. Then write to yourself. Write with compassion or forgiveness if needed. What you do with it after that is completely up to you. Burn it, bury it, shred it, talk about it.
Unsure what a birth reclaiming ceremony is? Click here
Pregnancy Story Guiding questions:
We are all exposed to a pregnancy narrative. This is formed our entire lives by watching the people in our life become parents, hearing stories from our friends, parents and grandparents, television and social media for example. Do you feel this narrative had an impact on your experience?
2.When did you find out?
3.What was your first thought when you found out?
4.Who did you tell first?
5.Did you have any morning sickness?
6.Did you have any cravings?
7.How were you emotionally during your pregnancy?
8.How did you feel physically during your pregnancy?
9.Who was your care provider?
10.Where you alone or was your partner present when you found out?
11.When did you first hear the heartbeat? How did you feel?
12.When did you see baby on an ultrasound? How did you feel?
13.Did your partner attend any prenatal appointments?
14.Did you find out the sex before birth?
15.Did you enjoy feeling baby move?
16.Did you bond with baby in your pregnancy?
17.How did you feel about your growing body?
18.Did you take maternity photos?
19.Did you have a strong urge to nest?
20.Did you take a babymoon?
21.When did you pack your hospital bag?
22.When did you set up the nursery or space where baby would sleep?
23.Did you imagine what your baby would look like?
24.Did your pregnancy go as you thought it would?
25.What was your favourite trimester?
26.Did you name baby while you were pregnant?
27.My favourite part of my pregnancy was…
28.The hardest part of my pregnancy was…
29.This experience changed me…
30.Leading up to the end of my pregnancy, I felt…
31.I am proud of myself because…
Birth Story Guiding Questions
1. We are all exposed to a birth narrative. This is formed our entire lives by watching the people in our life become parents, hearing stories from our friends, parents and grandparents, television and social media for example. Do you feel this narrative had an impact on your experience?
2.In the last few weeks leading up to labour, I felt…
3.When did labour start (or scheduled cesarean or induction)? Date, time of day.
4.Where did you labour? Did you move to a hospital or birth center?
5.What emotions did you feel about labour approaching or just starting?
6.What was the weather like?
7.How long was your labour?
8.How would you describe your contractions?
9.What comfort techniques did you use?
10.How did you cope with your labour?
11.Did you listen to music or other background noise?
12.What was the lighting like when baby was born?
13.What was the atmosphere like?
14.Did you have a birth plan?
15.How did you feel during labour? Physical sensations, emotionally
16.Who was there to support you?
17.What did you look like?
18.What time was baby born?
19.How did you feel when you met your baby?
20.Reflect on your senses. What did you smell, hear, see, touch, taste.
21.What was the first thing you thought after baby was born?
22.What was the first thing you said when baby was born?
23.Anything memorable that you said or was said to you?
24.What was your partners reaction when baby was born?
25.When I first fed my baby, I felt…
26.The most challenging part of the experience was…
27.This experience changed me…
28.How did you view birth prior to experiencing it yourself? Did these views change after?
29.What do you feel is the most important part of your story?
30.Are there any parts you are afraid to write?
31.What part do you hope to always remember?
32.I am proud of myself because…
Postpartum Story Guiding Questions:
1.We are all exposed to a postpartum/new parenthood narrative. This is formed our entire lives by watching the people in our life become parents, hearing stories from our friends, parents and grandparents, television and social media for example. Do you feel this narrative had an impact on your experience?
2.Did you have your baby at home? How was it settling in with your baby?
3.If you had baby outside of the home, how long did you spend at that location?
4.How did you feel returning home?
5.Were you excited or nervous to take baby home?
6.How did you feel towards your baby?
7.How did you feel physically?
8.How did you feel emotionally?
9.Did you bond immediately with your baby?
10.It took time to connect with my baby and that’s okay. We built connection by…
11.Did you have visitors or helpers? (helpers help, visitors expect to be entertained)
12.Did you have postpartum support?
13.What was your postpartum space like?
14.How was your relationship with your body?
15.How did you feel towards your partner?
16.How did you feel the first few days? Weeks? Months?
17.What was your favourite way to care for you?
18.How do you feel you adjusted to parenthood?
19.How do you feel your partner adjusted to parenthood?
20.How did your intimate relationship adjust to parenthood?
21.Do you feel like you had realistic expectations entering the postpartum period?
22.Do you have a single moment that stands out for you?
23.In early postpartum, my partner and I maintained connection by…
24.The moment I really felt like a mom…
25.My early motherhood can be best described as…
26.My favourite part of the newborn stage…
27.One of the hardest parts of the transition was…
28.Something I looked forward to passing…
29.If I could freeze a moment in time, it would be…
30.This experience changed me…
31.I am proud of myself because…
Healing Motherhood | Kelowna Postpartum Doula 